worry

I used to worry that the things I said or did back when I was an idiot will catch up to me and that's who I really am.

I used to worry that if my father heard some of the words that come out of my mouth in public, he just might disown me.

I used to worry about whether or not I'd make a good mother.

I used to worry that I would never be attractive to the opposite sex, that I wasn't a good athlete, that I was really stupid deep down inside.

I used to worry about what people thought of my decisions.

I used to worry that I would never get married, that I was too loud, that no man would ever put up with me.

I used to worry that people were always mad at me.

I used to worry that I was lazy, that I wasn't ambitious enough.  That all the decisions I made were absolutely wrong and that I would end up in a homeless shelter or a morgue by the time I was 30.

I used to worry about a lot of things.  I was so consumed with worry that I had panic attacks sometimes when I couldn't find my keys.  When I was little, I used to worry that the boogeyman would get me in my sleep so I would sleep in a sleeping bag and shove every single stuffed animal I owned in there with me so that no part of my body would be susceptible to the boogeyman's evil.  I see now how excitable I was in my youth.

But then, I became a mother and my entire purpose shifted.  Well, it appeared, really.  I figured out that my purpose on this earth was to make it a better place; to make my son's life as love-filled and groovy as possible.  And then, over time, my worry slowly dissipated as I just went and did exactly what I said I was going to do and I became who I am today.  A woman, free from the chains of a past I cannot change, a body that will never look the same as it did before I had my son, and the deep-seated worry that I am not worthy of love.  My father will never disown me because he loves me no matter what I blurt out in a fit of excitement.  I am who I am.  The common thread here is love.  I love myself and those around me, and in turn, all that worry went away and I don't think I could get it back if I tried.

Don't get me wrong; I still worry.  But the only thing that worries me now is a future for my son that doesn't include equality for all.  A world that oppresses women, that attempts to make everyone the same religion.  A world that refuses to step forward and accept all people for exactly who they are.  I worry my work won't be enough.  That my love won't be enough.  But above all, I worry that the faith I have in mankind is a complete joke and that we really are on the way down as a species.  To me, there is nothing scarier than a world full of people that don't love each other.